A Pretty Friggen Modest Proposal

What happens when we die?

This is a question that has run through the mind of every living human being throughout history. It’s a very serious question. What DOES happen when we die? Do we reunite with our lost loved ones? Does all of the pain of sentience melt away? Do we go to some kind of celestial paradise planet, where we reign as an eternal God-King over a species of tiny doglike humanoids?

These are all philosophical inquiries that cannot be answered by a mere human (unless someone reading this is the True Savior of the dog-people of Jekslonia - in which case, email me at myotherbuddydevin@gmail.com !).

No, I’m more interested in the question, what will happen to my physical body when I die?

This is a question that I CAN answer. This is a question that I HAVE answered. I’ve thought this through, and being buried or cremated is just not the way to go.

I want my body to be baked into a King Cake.

Yes, I want my earthly body to be baked into a gigantic King Cake (and consumed by friends, if they want to and are hungry).

Here are a few short, great reasons (that I am transcribing from the original bar napkin on which I scrawled them) why everyone should want to do this:

  • Save on funeral costs.

If you get baked into gigantic King Cake, no one will have to cover the incredibly high cost of your casket, funeral, and wake. In fact, after your body is baked into the King Cake, your loved ones can Host the Wake Around the Cake. Also, I copyrighted the phrase “Host the Wake Around the Cake” and our lawyers will sue you if you try to steal it.

  • Eco-friendly, space-saving design

Normal corpses create a TON of carbon dioxide and/or monoxide when they are buried or cremated. If you’re cooked into a King Cake, your corpse will produce neither of these. It will only produce a (delicious?) cake filling and your out-of-town friends incessantly screaming the phrase “laissez le bon temps rouler!!” Also, nobody’s going to have to dig a giant hole in which to put your casket. You’re just going to be in a giant cake on their kitchen counter (which tbh is much more aesthetically pleasing than a giant oak box!).

  • Delicious Corpse

I take back the question mark in the previous bullet point. OF COURSE your corpse will be delicious if you are baked into a King Cake, as long as the cake has icing on top and not sugar. If any of my friends are reading this (jk i know u guys are <3), PLEASE eat my King Cake corpse when I die. I literally don’t have a last living will and testament. This is my only request.

In summary, do your part for the environment and for your friends. Make your last impression on this Earth a tasty one. Become the ultimate snack. Get your corpse baked into a King Cake. Mother Earth will thank you for it.

-Devin M.